I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
