Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
