Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
