you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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