You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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