PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
