eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
