Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize