My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
