Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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