found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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