We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
