life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
