I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
