He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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