i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
