can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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