A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
