I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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