my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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