I think i peed on brittanys purse
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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