Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
