it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
