I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Randomize
