I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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