You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
