I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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