he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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