it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
do nipples grow back?
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