The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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