you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
