do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
