i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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