Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
