And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Randomize
