But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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