what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
