I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My dick has a subreddit
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
