Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
