there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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