Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
