my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
