and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
