FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
