Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
