He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
