I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
