U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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