I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
