My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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