Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
